I’M A GROWN ASS MAN…

TRIGGER WARNING! This post may offend someone. My apologies in advance. Love & Light to all.

As a member of the LGBTQ lmnop xyz community, its only right that I speak on this.  Its been in my head for almost a year now…. TRANSGENDER.

Quick recap, I’ve ALWAYS known I have been attracted to women since I was 4 years old.  Had my first same sex experience at the age of 6, loss my virginity at 14, and by 17, I was pussy poppin for a real nigga (aka my first girlfriend).  She’s what you would call a “Stud” or the “man” in the relationship. Oh what a beautiful learning experience! Shorty bought me my first vibrator and until that point, I had never had a real orgasm until I used my toy for the first time. Hahahahaaa!

She used her strap on me and alllat and yes, I STILL saw her as 100% FEMALE no matter how low she sagged her pants, or how big her “dick” was.  She was the perfect gentleman and fuck boy all at the same time. She was the beginning to my “Say it loud, I’m Out and I’m Proud” journey. I loved how she wore men clothing but was still so feminine in the face.  The bish swag was impeccable. And because I’ve always been a low key tom boy and huge Aaliyah fan, meeting her was like “yup, I’m switchin my style up”. I couldn’t wait to go away to college!!! I ain’t “come out” to my mom until I was 19.

Here’s how THAT story went…

I’m 19, still living at home in Richmond, VA, working at Abercrombie & Fitch out Short Pump and enrolled at the community college, right before I transferred to HU (the real one of course).  I’m just getting back in the house from dropping my home girl off at the Greyhound. Lying in the bed, minding my own business, tryna get some rest before I head to work.

Moms bust in my room like, “Who you be hanging with now?

Me: “Huh? My friends…”

Her: “Well why you be around so many girls now?”

Me: “Um, I always have been…”

Her: “Well aint {blank} gay?”

Me: “Ma, I don’t know”

Her: “What happened to your boyfriend?”

Me: “We been broke up”

Her: “Well why do you have a penis {referring to my strap} in your closet?”

Y’ALL MY TOY WAS WRAPPED IN A BLACK BAG, IN A SHOE BOX, UNDER ABOUT 10 OTHER BOXES, IN THE BACK OF MY CLOSET!!!

NOSEY HEFFA! UGH! Black mothers… Gotta love them! LOL

Me: “Why you go thru my things?”

Her: “I was looking for your sister Ugg boots…”

Now in my head, I’m like, “That’s the best lie you can think of lady”.  So I don’t say nothing. And as black mothers do, she continues with the questioning. So finally I just blurt out….

“I’M GAY MOM!” (whole white girl style, it was liberating.LOL)…She gasps and walks out. I get up and go to work.  I come back extra late thinking she sleep… of course not! Lady calls me right in her room…

“How you know you gay?”

“I’ve always liked girls since I was little just never told you”

“Well I feel like its my fault since you never had a father in your life”

“Nah fam, I just really like vagina” LOL…But thinking back, having a father wouldn’t have “ungayed” me, but I would have learned a different perspective about men instead of “If you think you need a man in this life to survive, you gotta nother thang comin’!”

Nonetheless, I’ve grown and learned to love and appreciate men. (heyyyy Zaddyyyy 😉

Fast forward.  I transfer to Howard, where I finally get to live my best life! I got a new job, no roommate (praying I aint get one so I could masturbate in private. I was real live ADDICTED to my lil vibrator), plus work study. So boom! New wardrobe ASAP! I buy my first pair of men’s jeans, loc up my hair…and it was a wrap from there on! Couldn’t tell the kid N O T H I N G! When I started meeting other people and dating in the community, they would often ask “So what are you?” I’m like huh? A female, the fxk?! But naw, us gays wanna have 9867473893987976 different damn names within our own community! We are SO EXTRA!

So, I’m like “no really, I’m me. I don’t do labels”.  Here’s the thing:

I wore men’s clothes. I had a dick (store bought of course). I opened doors for women (still do). I loved strippers.  I referred to myself as a “grown ass man” and loved to play the male role in relationships (even though the only positive male-female relationships I saw were on TV).  And I only dated feminine women, the more feminine, the better. At the same time, I still wore women’s clothes on special occasion, I still shave, get my eyebrows done, and all the other feminine hygiene care women do.  And I never lost full attraction to men, I just put them to the side until I understood them better (The only advice I got when it came to men and sex was “you better not come home pregnant”).

Oh and my walk is Too mean in pumps;)

 On top of… I was already a female, a Black female, a Black Lesbian female, a Black Lesbian female from a single parent home, raised on food stamps, adopted, dark skinned,  AND wore thick ass glasses… Another label for whaaaaa?

So on a regular day in DC, you could’ve caught Eb lookin, dressin, and actin like ah whole nigga even though my soul knew I was all female still.  But I felt SO masculine. I began to question if my Creator made a mistake and I was supposed to be born male. I took it as far as considering getting a sex change for YEARS.  I even talked it over with Bae and of course my High Priestess supported whatever decision I chose to make… #TEAMVAGINA as you can see lol.

But it took for me talking it out with my spouse and A LOT of SELF REFLECTION before I made the choice NOT to get a sex change.  Within that time, I learned about the difference between Masculine and Feminine energies, and how ALL human beings posses both. Its all in a matter of how that individual chooses how he/she will exert that energy in the 3D realm.  So now I understand that regardless of what physical alterations I make to my body, I’ll always be FEMALE. No matter what I choose to call myself, no matter how many hormones/steroids I take, NOTHING will actually change the way in which I procreate.  Therefore, what in the wholly fuck is the point of getting a dick if I CANT actually get my wife pregnant? WASTE OF TIME, MONEY, AND PAIN! (again, this is MY opinion ya’ll) At the same time, I TOTALLY understand why others still want the surgery. You are uncomfortable in your own skin. EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

But if you were anorexic, no one would encourage you to continue to starve yourself. The creator makes no mistakes. Learn to really LOVE YOURSELF AS YOU ARE. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL THANG. Seek outside help. Its OK. We were literally put on this Earth to Heal ourselves.

I’ll keep what my creator gave me and continue to role play with my Queen and our King.  To her, she feels like she has two boyfriends. I get my girl AND my guy. And he has his TWO Queens… Which one is the most lucky?

So boom, Eb’s not a tranny.  I like to consider myself half amazing, half amazing LOL.  Of course I have a few transgender friends. AMAZING PEOPLE, cuz well… THEY’RE FUCKING PEOPLE! But y’all…. Just lemme get this off my chest and if you no longer fxk w/ the kid then well… go vegan…

Ya’ll annoy me sometimes… Of course you don’t have to announce to the world what you are off break but demanding that you be identified as an all natural woman when you don’t bleed, or even have the organs to do so, is disrespect to the ENTIRE female population.  Wanting to be called a man when you not carrying any seeds is also just as DISPRESPECTFUL to our men. We need to draw the line somewhere.

According to a few Google searches, transgender simply means that you transitioned from one gender to something other than what you were born as.  However, your organs do not fully work like a natural born male or female which is another reason why the “trans” is still used to identify what type of gender you are.  Imagine me waking up tomorrow saying I’m a blue eyed, white blonde lady with a 750 credit score and a boyfriend on the Minnesota Vikings. Be Trans. Be Proud. All I’m Saying.

I kissed a Girl… and I liked it

Miami Sweet Heat. 2015

There’s two sides to every story…ours is no different.  So, here’s a few details I never told Eb. First, I definitely knew that she was putting her number in my phone on the train that day.  I was like, “Sheesh, finally. I knew she wanted a G since Day one”. Second, I definitely checked out her booty. It was phat back then before she lost weight and I have always been a fan of the ass.  It wasn’t that though. Bae is smart, hard working and always willing to learn and it’s all of those things that helped me say, “Yes” to that first date. Plus, women are beautiful and once I allowed myself to acknowledge that, I got past the idea of another woman desiring me so openly, easily. I just had to wait for her to make her move and I was curious. Now that I know more, I know that our souls were connected already and all we had to do was meet each other.  Twin flames.

I too was kinda involved when we met but it wasn’t official so I was a free agent and since I’ve always been one to let my freak flag fly, I decided to try out this whole lesbian situation. I’ve always looked at sex like a treasure chest; so many shiny, valuable things to explore.  Eb is my first Girl Bae aka “My Hersband” and the boy she kinda stole me from was our first Boy Bae together but that’s for later. Our relationship was kind of a whirlwind. One minute we were riding the train home and the next minute we were living under the same roof. Months felt like minutes.  We were in such a bubble between weed, food and work, we barely had time for anything else. We talked and talked about our dreams and goals. We traveled every chance we got. We argued. We cried. We agreed never to go to sleep angry. We agreed that I would never walk out during an argument (a frustrating habit of mine).  Eb agreed not to yell (she gets loud y’all). We talked…ALOT!

Communication is the key to any good relationship and when I say we had to work at it baabyyy, we definitely did that. We traveled. More. We ate, alot, and even though I had been in relationships before, good ones, Eboni and I developed a partnership in that first year that has become the foundation that our relationship is built on.

Now… boys (insert dramatic dun dun dun music here).  As a polyamorous couple we decided that the first thing to do was to set some ground rules.  The most important one being if you see something, say something. In other words, if you feel jealous at any point, speak tf up!  The second one was no one is taking one for the team. Either all parties involved are feeling each other or its a no can do for the Vegan Trap Queens.  When we were ready, I called old boy back. It went something like this:

Me:  Wyd. I got a girlfriend now.  You gon come be our boyfriend?

Him:  What’s up.  So u gay now?

Me:  Obviously not and neither is she.  

Him:  Ard. (Alright for anyone unfamiliar with DC slang spelling)

Years later, he told us that he had felt a way; unsure how to please us both.  Men often aren’t comfortable expressing when they feel inadequate or confused. Hell, neither are some women.  Anyway, he came over. I introduced him to Eb. She was mean. He won her over. I’ll spare you the deets cuz we wanna keep it PG but let’s just say for a while, he was Bae. We left for Thailand.  He went to jail. And the remainder is definitely a tale for another blog post. We started Vegan Traphouse while we were overseas and the rest is as they say, history or more appropriately, Herstory.  I guess the point is kinda that we found love in a hopeless place and we wanted to share our love with you.